How to Talk to Kids About Recent Violence

(KNSI) – Wednesday marked the peaceful transition of powers from former President Donald Trump to now President Joe Biden, but two weeks ago, it was not so peaceful as an angry mob stood where the Presidential Inauguration took place this afternoon.

Parents may be wondering how to explain to their kids all of the anger and violence we’re exposed to every day.

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Sheri Tesch with the Central Minnesota Mental Health Center says violence is part of the everyday world for kids, but when they see it happening in real-time and coming into their homes via the TV news, “it’s frightening. I think the other piece that that is problematic is the amount of time and the amount of exposure kids get to graphic information, whether they’re looking at short TikTok videos or YouTube clips, or they’re watching the news in their home, and they’re doing that without the presence or co-regulation or guidance of their parents.”

Tesch works with school-connected mental health and says, developmentally, “there is a big difference between my young children and my middle school and high school kids. I think, as parents, we need to be really aware of what’s on TV. Even when our kids are little, and we don’t think they’re paying attention, they’re paying attention. They’re picking up the graphic images and the words, I think our news comes at us in a way that hooks you in and so it’s sensationalized, and, scary.”

Tesch says when kids are exposed to violence, parents are encouraged to have age-appropriate conversations about what kids are seeing, saying, “our job as parents is to help our kids feel safe in the world, even when things feel big and scary. So I think to be able to have open dialogue about ‘what are you seeing, what are you hearing? What do we feel about it?'”

She says it’s also crucial for parents to mind what they watch in front of kids and think about what they say.
“I call them adult world and kid world conversations. So as an adult, I need to make sure that I’m not having adult world conversations in the presence of my kids. And when my kids are older, in middle school and high school, I need to have developmentally appropriate conversations with them about what is happening.”

With news also coming at kids through social media and their devices, Tesch says there are ways to limit or keep an eye on what kids are seeing.

“You can purchase apps, you can get monitoring systems to see where your kids are, what they’re looking at, what they are seeing what they are viewing, and then again to have conversations. Talk to me about, what you’re feeling about that or what you think about that. And let’s have a conversation.”
She says kids have no frame of reference like adults do.

“If I am 13, and I’m looking out at this big scary world, I don’t have a frame of reference to say, ‘sometimes things happen that feel frightening. And there are people who can keep me safe, and it will get better.’ So it goes back to that reassurance, that ability to talk about their feelings, that ability to co-regulate and have a conversation so that they get out, ‘what is it that I’m seeing? And how do I feel about it, and who is giving me that information?'”

So, when is it time to see someone? Tesch says when it starts causing behavioral issues, sleep problems, inability to function at levels they’re used to, pick up the phone. She says, sometimes, talking with the counselors at school and discussing your concerns, counselors or social workers can help make connections with mental health help. Parents can also reach out to their child’s primary care provider or a mental health clinic.

When it comes right down to it, Tesch says it’s good to turn off the TV news and disconnect from social media for everyone.
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Sheri Tesch holds a bachelor’s degree in psychology from the University of Minnesota Duluth, a master’s degree in child and family studies from St. Cloud State University, and a post-graduate degree in Marriage and Family Therapy from St. Cloud State University.